One of my first questions when our son was returning home after a suicide attempt was, “How do we ‘watch’’ him?” I didn’t get the answer I wanted: “You don’t.”
I was prepared to have a 24-hour watch, and do it all myself if I had to. That was neither possible nor practical. In the emotion of the moment, I wasn’t thinking; I was reacting. I didn’t, couldn’t, think about myself.
Mental illness, like many other biological illnesses, affects you and your family as much as your loved one. Your family will begin to move beyond acceptance of the diagnosis. A crucial next step is learning to live the illness, or coping.
It is easy to focus on your ill loved one because it is new and your natural tendency, especially for parents, is fix the problem. You may begin to feel as though you’ve lost control of your life.
It’s vital to your ability to cope and care for your loved to take care of yourself. If you are emotionally, spiritually, and physically drained, you can become physically ill. You will surely be unable to assist your loved one in the way that may be needed.
Now is the time to take control of the new normal.
1. Make time for yourself.
I learned that I needed to get away. For the sake of our marriage, my husband and I needed time alone. For the sake of faith, I had to learn to trust God completely. I was trusting myself instead. I needed to plan time with him.
You will not be able to control your loved one. You can only control yourself. If you’re tired and emotionally drained, you’ll lose control of everything.
2. Maintain your normal routine.
Routine is stability for your ill loved one, especially after a psychotic break. It helps return to “normal”, albeit a new normal. If your routine is to get up early for a run, go. If your routine is dinner at 6 p.m, do it. If your routine includes coffee with your neighbor, have it.
If you adjust your normal to match the new normal of your loved one, you’ll soon be tired, depressed, and resentful. None of which will help when your loved one needs you.
3. Find support.
There are many support groups, both in person and online, that are just for you. People who understand both the nature of mental illness and what you are going through. You cannot go it alone. There is comfort and hope in knowing others feel and react the same way you do.
This may seem un-Christian. After all, aren’t we suppose to put others first? Especially when someone is need.
How many times did Jesus go off alone, or with the three close friends? He was God incarnate, but still his human body needed time away to refresh and recharge to continue helping others.
If God the Son needed time off to rest and re-coup, don’t you?
Please tell me abt. Adult children of BPD parents West gathering- which dates where etc Thanks-
By: Karen H. on August 14, 2009
at 2:36 pm
NAMI.org has excellent information for the family and the consumer on mental illness. NAMI has a free program called “Family to Family” that helps the family learn how to deal with the fact their loved ones have a mental illness. I am the fascilitator in my local area. It is an excellent program. It is 12 weeks long. Find your local NAMI group for more info.
Having a loved one with a brain disorder is a difficult thing to process. There are steps of emotional growth you have to go through in order to survive. Sometimes you go up and down that ladder of emotions. It is all a process. God does give you strength. He never gives you more than you can handle.
maryruth
By: maryruth on September 26, 2009
at 8:17 pm
[...] ones cope with the holidays is one way to relieve the stress that can lead to holiday depression. Self-care is important any time of the year. During the stressful holidays, it is especially important. You [...]
By: Blue Christmas « The Family Room — Families Struggling with Mental Illness on December 7, 2010
at 4:22 am